joe randel's art dump

Death

So I’ve already laid out the fear of my end this year. I’m sure most think it’s pretty silly but to me death is a very serious topic. See, I’m very much afraid to die (I keep myself up at night sometimes things about it all). Now not in the way of, I’m scared that I’m going to be hit by a bus sort of thing. More of the idea that at some point I will no longer be here. I will no longer exist. Which to me is really scary. Now there are all sorts of ideas of what will happen to us after death but in reality we ultimately don’t know and because I’m not a religious person at all I don’t really go for the faith explanations about the after life.

See, it all boils down to control. I like control. One day I’m going to die. I can’t control that. Most would say that that because I can’t control it then I should worry about it. But… I can’t do that. I lay at night and worry about what will happen to me when I die. Who will I be after I’m dead? What will I be? Will I have an idea of self? I like my current self, why would I want to change or lose that? If I, somehow, become some one else, will I retain any idea of who I am now? I don’t want to leave the people I know. All these and other questions really, seriously scare me.

It does lead me to other ideas/questions that others don’t answer or talk about. Like, faiths generally talk about where you’ll go when you die, but there’s not many that talk about what/where you were before you where born. Which it is like being dead really. You didn’t exist. The world happened and you didn’t. But we don’t have fears or anything about that. It’s just accepted that you where born and then everything is gravy.

But there is one thing that gives me hope. See when my beagle Pheobe died a few years ago something happen to me that I can’t explain nor will I ever forget. The second day after we had to put her down I was very distraught and a basket case. I fell asleep during the day (which is something I never do) and this is what I saw. I opened my eyes and was sitting in a forret/wooded area near a creek. Next thing I knew was Pheobe came running though the trees and knocked me down and started licking my face. She then jumped off me and ran in to the woods. I got up and chased after her. I soon came to a clearing on a hill/lookout type area with a small cottage. It was a very privative country cottage with a low drift wood fence and a low table and stools in the front. The door was open and inside was just one room with all wood furniture. There was a few windows, a small wooden counter with a basin sink, a round wood table with some chairs, a wood stove and a large country bed with a homemade quilt. Pheobe was in the middle of the room laying on a hand woven mat looking at me. It was then that I felt myself being lift up and out of the house. I continued to raise up where I could see the cottage, the valley the trees, mountains and everything. It all faded to white and I woke up. I’ve never felt so much at peace and so much at home as I did in those moments. It was perfect and I’ll never forget it. If anything, I believe that my dog is there waiting for me in that cottage and that’s where I’m supposed to go when my time is up.

So that’s me and my relation to death in a nut shell. So while I have no idea what’s up with death and beyond I do have some hope. No matter how much I worry about it I always think of Pheobe. I can’t shake the idea that she’s in a place that she’s created for herself. It’s the only thing that I can hold on to, other wise it all seems pointless to me.