Jokes

[Guest]

A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".

Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

I am an Italian, and seeing this joke, I laughed the hell out of my lungs .

[Guest]

So a man walks into a bar and sees the bartender...

Bartender: What can I do ya for?
Man: I bet you $50 dollars that I can bite my left eye...
Bartender: Ok then...you're on!

So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it.

Bartender: Ok...ok...you got me there...take yer $50.
Man: Hmmm...I bet you $50 MORE dollars that I can bite my RIGHT eye...

The bartender thinks for a second. "There's no way that he can have TWO left eyes..."

Man: Well?
Bartender: You're on!

So the man takes out his fake teeth and bites his right eye.

Bartender: You're some kind of clever. Take you're $50...

The man takes his $50 and walks over to a LARGE group of strangers. After talking to them for five minutes, he walks back over to the bartender...

Man: I bet you your $100 back that I can piss in that glass cup without spilling a single drop...
Bartender: That's impossible, so you're on!

So the man unzips his pants and aims. However, he missed the cup and ended up pissing all over the bartenders counter.

Bartender: HA! I won my $100 back, he said cheerfully...
Man: Yes you did, so wait here...

The man walks off as the bartender wipes up the mess, happy that he won his $100 back.
Afterwards, the man returns, smiling...

Bartender: And why are YOU so happy? You just lost all the money that you bet!
Man: Not really. I bet the crowd over there $200 each that I could make you wipe up my piss from your counter while smiling about it...

[Guest]

John comes to his new girlfriends home and they go right into her bedroom. In there John sees a big wardrobe full of teadybears on its shelves, the higher the shelve is the bigger are the bears on it. He thinks its wird but he keeps quiet about it and they start having sex. After an hour John asks his girlfriend: "So how was I?" and she replied: "You can take any reward from the bottom shelf..."

[Guest]

A slovenian guy comes saddly into a bar and his friends ask him whats the matter and he replies:" 3 days ago my grandpa died and left me 10 million dollars, then 2 days ago my uncle died and he left me 25 million dollars, then yesterday my mom died and she left me 35 million dollars."
And the friends say:" Thats so sad!" and the slovenian guy replies: "Yea I know today it's already 8pm and noone died yet..."

[Guest]

A nun and a prist are playin tennis when the priest misses the ball: "Damn it!! I missed!" And the nun says: "Don't swear we're holy people!"
Then they resume playing until the priest misses again and says: "Damn it!! I missed again!" and the nun replies:"Dont talk like that we're holy people!" and the priest gets angry: "Shut the fuck up woman like I don't have enough worries already!" Suddenly the sky turnes dark and Lightning strikes at the nun and frys her to death. Then a deep voice comes from the sky: "Damn it!! I missed again!"

[Guest]

Well...I guess I can remember one from a while ago...

So, four nuns walk into their church and speak to the head nun...

1st nun: Forgive me, mother...for I have sinned. I have looked at a mans penis.

Mother: Your sins are foregivin. Please go wash your eyes out in the pool of water.

So the 1st nun washes her eyes out in the pool.
Then the 2nd nun approaches.

2nd nun: Forgive me, mother...for I have sinned. I have touched a mans penis.

Mother: Your sins are foregivin. Please go wash your hands out in the pool of water.

So the 2nd nun washes her hands out in the pool.
Then the 3rd nun approaches.

3rd nun: Forgive me, mother...for I have sinned. I have-

Before she can finish, the 4th nun interrupts the third nun.

4th nun: Wait! can't I at least wash my mouth out before this whore puts her ass in the pool?!

[Cheetah]

Trying my hand at this

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married!

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos...... (MIDNIGHT)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight".

He didn't seem mad at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "I think we need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. s**t!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[Nafruf]

L O L! the farting part kinda sealed the deal for me :P

[Guest]

A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".

Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

I am an Italian, and seeing this joke, I laughed the hell out of my lungs .

I'm Italian too and I'm laughing too XD
Ok, I try, hope to traslate in the right way.

3 men are on a plane, they bet to guess over what city they are.
The first man put his arm out of the window and says: "we are over Milan."
"Wrong!"
The second man put his arm out of the window and says: "we are over Rome."
"wrong!"
The last man put his arm out of the window and says:"wa are over Naples."
"Right!! But how do you bet??"
"they stole my clock..."

[Cheetah]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.

Yes, I did." he replied.

My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

Oh...she got fired too."

[Guest]

A British guy, a Frenchman and a Russian were in a bar debating whether Adam and Eve were British, French, or Russian.

The British guy says, " Obviously they were both British, observe how Adam offered Eve some of his apple after he received it from her, true British manners".

French guy says: "Non, non, monsieur they were both French. First of all they were both NAKED, and Eve was so feminine and seductive and drove Adam nuts".

Russian guy says: "Both of you are wrong. I can prove conclusively that Adam and Eve were nothing but Russian.

1) They had no clothes.

2) They had no heat.

3) All that was left to eat was one lousy apple and they called THIS paradise!"

[Guest]

The time of darkness has come! The ancient powers of necromancy hear my will and make this thread alive once more! But first another joke...

A Director, a grup leader and a secretary went to lunch. On their way thru the park they saw a lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out of it. As he saw that there were 3 of em he said that he'll grant 1 wish to each. So the secretary wished first: "I wish to be on a gigant yacht near bahamas!" and >puff< he was there. Then the grup leader made his wish: "I want to be on a deserted tropical paradise island whit an endless supply of vodka and rum!" and >puff< he was there. Then the genie asked the director what he wished for; so the director said: Just make sure that those 2 clowns will get back to work before the end of the lunch-brake..."

[Guest]

Archery contest...
1st contestant hits the bullseye and says: "I am William Tell!"
2nd contestant splits the arrow in the target with his arrow and says: "I am Robin Hood!"
3rd contestant shoots, misses the target and hits the judge in the head and says: "I am So Sorry!"

[Guest]

What do princess Diana and The Pink Floyd have in common? Their last greatest hit was The wall...

[Guest]

Martha, and Lucie were talking and drinking tea, when a well-dressed man comes by, so Martha sais: "You see that guy? thats my ex-husband, I turned him into a Millionaire."
Lucie is curious: "Really? So why did he leave you?" Martha replies: "Because before he met me, he was a Billionaire..."