Jokes

[Guest]

Johns wife had a car accident. In the hospital:
Doctor: "John your wife will live but she'll be paralized for ever!"
<John starts to sweat> "You will have to carry her around in a wheelingchair for the rest of her life!" <John is shocked> "And she'll have no control over her digestive system so you will have to swich her dipers at least 5 times per day!" <John is terrorstiken and when Doc sees that he sais: "I'm just joking she's dead!"

[Guest]

lol I remember something like that joke in Family Guy...it was hilarious, but I felt bad for laughing afterward...

[Guest]

The skydivers of the US-Airforce were practising skydiving from moving plane. When all jumped out one said: "Sarge! my parachute won't open!"
And the sargent replied: "Don't worry this is only practise!"

[Guest]

John hears on TV that evry 3rd woman is a whore. So he went to his left neighbour and asked her: "excuse me but are you a whore?" And she replied: "No I'm not!". Then he went to his right neighbour and asked her if seh was a ehore and she angirly replied: "How dare you of course I'm NOT!". Then John went home and shot his wife.

[Guest]

A man came to an island and asked the locals: "Are there any cannibals here?" And one of the locals replied: "No there are none we just ate the last one for breakfast..."

[Guest]

Johnny is walking from school at the night and he has to go thru a graveyard. Then he meets a person and he sais: "I'm so glad I met you couse I'm so afraid of the graveyards in the night!" And the other one replied: "Yea I was scared of the graveyards in the night to when I was alive..."

[Guest]

A doctor takes an elderly woman through a hospital to show her the quality of the hospital. As they wonder from room to room, the doctor opens a door to show a young man masturbating in bed.

Woman: Oh my! What's going on?
Doctor: Oh, he has a disease where he must constantly keep himself aroused or he'll die.
Woman: Oh my!

They continue down the same corridor and the doctor opens another door. This time a young man is having his dick sucked by a beautiful nurse.

Woman: Oh my! What's going on here?
Doctor: Oh, it's the same disease but better healthcare.

[Guest]

ok, this ones kinda racist, but you may have heard it before (its one of my favorties because i remember it so well)

a chinese guy, an american guy, and a mexican guy were all on a boat in the middle of the ocean when the boat starts sinking. the chinese guy offers to start dumping what our countries have too much of to keep the boat afloat. the chinese guy dumps rice and says "we have too much of this, it will be fine if we get rid of it." the mexican guy starts dumping tacos and burritos overboard and too says "we have too much of these." the american guy dumps the mexican guy overboard and say "eh, we have too much of these anyway."

heres one thats a little gross, but eh.
so three dicks are hanging out in a steamroom when the first says..."my owner somehow tranquilizes me and makes me stiff, then he forces me in a dark, wet cave and pulls me out really quick." the second one says "my owner puts me in a plastic bag and does the same thing!" then the third one speaks up and says "my owner massages me until i throw up"

yeah, these are a little middle school, but i cant think of anything else right now

[Guest]

A married cuple is driving in a car at about 100km/h. Suddenly the women sais: "I want a divorce!" , the man remaines quiet and accelerates to 125km/h. Than she sais: "And I want to keep the house!", the man still remaines quiet and accelerates to 150km/h. She continues: "and I want to keep the kids too!", the man is still silent and just accelerates to 170km/h. She continues: "And I want to keep the credit cards, and our bank account aswell!", the man is accelerating and turning to a nearby bridge over the highway. Then she asks him: "Do you want anything?" and he replies: "No darling I have evrything I need." "And what is that ?" she asks. Right before the car hits a support pillar at 200km/h the man replies calmly: "Airbag!"

[Guest]

A man walks into a bar and sees a horse sitting in the corner with a barrel full of silver dollars. The man walks up the the bartender:

Man: Bartender, what's that horse doing over there?
Bartender: Oh, we have a contest where you put a silver dollar in the barrel and if you can make him laugh, you win the silver dollars.

The man orders a beer and as he drinks he thinks for a while.

Man: I got it.

He puts the money for the beer on the counter, walks over to the horse and puts in a silver dollar. The man whispers into the horse's ear. Suddenly the horse begins to laugh uncontrolably. The man picks up the barrel and leaves.

Two weeks later, the man returns to the bar and finds the horse with another barrel of silver dollars. He walks up to the bartender:

Man: Hey, what's he doing back?
Bartender: Oh, now you have to make the horse cry.
Man: Same deal as before?
Bartender: Yup.

The man orders a beer, drinks it down, and walks over to the horse. He puts in a silver dollar and whispers to the horse and shows him something. Suddenly the horse begins to cry uncontrolably. As the man begins to leave with the silver dollars, the bartender stops him:

Bartender: Hey! Man, you have got to tell me how you made that horse laugh and cry.
Man: Well, two weeks ago I told him I had a bigger dick than him. Today I showed him.

[Guest]

A girl without arms and legs is laying on the ground like a worm when a man walks by
-Excuse me, sir!
-Yes, what is it?
-I have no arms and legs, could please do me a favour?
-Well it depends...
-Could you please knead my tits, I can't do that myself
So the man starts caressing her breasts and nibble on her right nipple.
-If you could, can you please... check if my fanny is wet? (she was a Saxon)
The man gets right to it and licks her pussy
-De va' en go' kiss! (the man was actually me)
She starts to wiggle with pleasure, until she interrupts him
-Wait! You know I've actually never been fucked before... I ask for so much, but please... I want to get fucked so badly right now!
The man picks her up by her chest and walks around with her infront of him. He stops and they share a silent moment of emotional eye-contact and breathing.
Then he pushes her away from him, into a river

-There! Now you're fucked!

[Guest]

Why does a policeman carry an axe in his car?

To cut thru the turns...

[Guest]

John jumped with a parachute but it didn't open and when he continued falling another man came by and John asked: "sorry but do you know anything about parachutes? My is stuck..." And the man replied: "sorry but you got the wrong guy I'm from the local gas rafinery..."

[Guest]

"BRING OUT THE HOOK!"

[Guest]

A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".

Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."